Crucket

So some New Zealanders finally make it onto the IPL records (McCullum’s 84* in the recent Kolkata v. Bangalore match is currently the 4th highest score, and Taylor’s 81* off 33 sits just outside the top 5 scores, though is 5th on highest innings strike rates) and now Lalit Modi is casting doubts on the legality of the match. “Was Kolkata-Bangalore match fixed?” is India Today’s breathless title for the webpage showing the article more soberly titled “Lalit Modi hints at probe into Kolkata-B’lore match”.

The article quotes a stern Lalit Modi: “There is an anti-corruption unit. We will look into the TV footage and investigate about Hodge’s presence in the hospitality box.” It seems Hodge’s omission from the playing squad was surprising (leaving him free to enjoy the hospitality of the people funding the match fix one must presume) and that by the 15th over Bangalore were heading for a loss, then shockingly turned things around and won.

As much as I would love for there to be a juicy corruption scandal in the IPL, this doesn’t look much like it. Firstly, if you are going to arrange for someone to be involved in throwing a match, surely it would be best to have them on the field. Secondly, Bangalore were always on target to win, despite Kolkata racking up their highest total to date, so there was nothing suspicious there. And thirdly, aren’t you supposed to fix matches to bring about an against the odds result? Paying Kolkata to lose is hardly money well spent.

There is nothing juicier for the cricket news desk than a Jesse Ryder/alcohol scandal. So the outlets were all over this story as soon as it started to emerge. But when the only reported details are rumours that Jesse was “restrained by security guards”, it sounds like someone is letting their sordid imagination fill in the gaps.

To get the details of this scandal, I have gone to the only on-the-ground source I know of, the Fake IPL Player, and veracity be damned. According to IPL Anonymous:

A few days ago I had introduced you to the blooming romance between Bevdaa and Panty Curry. The other night, the two had a few too many. Panty, with better capacity, managed to walk through the door. Bevdaa lost balance, tripped over, almost crash landed on 2 very scared nubile beings, eventually landed face down on the marbled floor. Security helped him up and out.

Bevdaa is of course Jesse, and Panty Curry is a guy called van Wyk. Bevdaa, quite appropriately, means ‘drunk’. Panty Curry probably has some self-evident meaning, but I’m not sure I want to dwell on it too much.

So anyway, Jesse’s run in with security amounted to him being helped to his room by a security guard to sleep off a big night. Somewhat confirmed by later reports. Reading these reports you would think Ryder was drinking to celebrate 100 days of sobriety. Previous posts by IPL Anonymous suggest he wasn’t getting through those 100 days as smoothly as we’d like to think:

Bevdaa has found a soulmate in our very own (sometimes opener, sometimes wk) Panty Curry. They have been bonded by their shared love for bottled beverages. Short of holding hands, the two fat asses seem every bit like a puppy couple in love. And if the number of bottles one can down decides the man in a relationship, our Panty Curry definitely wears the pants in that family. Surprising, but true!

The defeat on Sunday of Kyle Mills’ Mumbai Indians by Taylor and Ryder’s Royal Challengers Banglalore marked the half way point of the IPL qualifiers.

While the tournament has been fairly subdued compared to last year in terms of action, it is shaping up to be a competitive run to the semis, with everyone except Kolkata well in with a chance. The New Zealanders haven’t contributed much to this however…well, maybe McCullum is contributing to Kolkata’s misfortune.

Brendon McCullum – Kolkata Knight Riders

McCullum’s star burnt brightly but briefly in last year’s tourney – he only played 4 matches but scored 188 runs at more than 2 runs a ball. He was, perhaps, rewarded for his performances by being made captain this year. You can read about his being made captain, though the story has many more sides. You can also read the inside word (or a dramatisation of, at least) on McCullum’s team, though the outside word is just as dismal. In short, the Knight Riders are crappity crap. Just one win and an NR in the first part of the tournament. As captain, Brendon knows he is accountable, and he has offered to quit if they don’t make the semis (and they won’t). He has been garnering a fair bit of sympathy though.

His biggest problem is that he hasn’t been leading from the front. By last Sunday he had scored a mere 50 runs from 7 innings, less than his average innings score last year (his average this year is about 7 so far). And that has come at about 2 runs every 3 balls.

Daniel Vettori – Delhi Daredevils

Delhi have had the strongest start to the tournament of all the teams; by Sunday they had 4 wins out of 6 games. Vettori’s contribution to this was 7 wickets @ 19, including a 3/15. A very good haul from his 5 games, though it might be fair to say he is riding the momentum of his team.

Jacob Oram – Chennai Super Kings

Oram has knocked 50-odd runs and knocked over 3 wickets in the 4 games he has had for the Chennai Super Kings, playing turn about with Andrew Flintoff it would seem. A decent performance, though he was in the news more for suggesting the IPL is a bigger priority for him than tests.

Jesse Ryder – Royal Challengers Bangalore

A real disappointment considering the expecations. Started out his IPL career with ducks in his first two matches. He has had one good knock of 32 in his 4 innings, but the fact that his overall aggregate is just 34 emphasises his poor overall performance. You could well imagine him to be nervous, though he never seems to show it, but it could just be Bangalore – they’re a team so lacking in spunk that even tearaways like Ryder and Pietersen get dragged down.

Doing great work as a part time bowler as usual. 3 wickets at 30, but under 7 an over.

Ross Taylor – Royal Challengers Bangalore

The other half of the stoner twins. Also picked up a duck in his first match, but is double Ryder’s tally (as of Sunday). Neither here nor there and hence pretty much invisible.

Scott Styris – Deccan Chargers

Also invisible. Only given 2 matches as of Sunday, with only one turn at bat (for 14). Outstanding bowling though, taking 5 wickets @ 12.8.

Kyle Mills – Mumbai Indians

Missing in action. Not given a run in any of Mumbai’s first 7 matches. Not a fair way to treat one-day cricket’s no. 2 bowler. I guess the recent series with India has damaged his reputation.

So, a real disappointment so far. A good record by Vettori more than matched by terrible performances by Ryder and McCullum, McCullum’s lasting for 7 matches. With Oram, Taylor and Styris phoning in some pretty average efforts. It would have been nice to see at least one standout performance from the six of them. Still, it is still early on. After all, Taylor has only faced about 10 overs in total, just as an e.g. Any of them, and Mills, could put on some fireworks in the second half.

For the record, the highest score for any Kiwi is 41* for Oram and the best bowling is 3/15 by Vettori.

Well the Fake IPL Player is still posting. In the last post we got from him he gave us the details from inside a Kolkata Knight Riders meeting. Audacious.

It’s quite a triumph that he is still about. There has been huge speculation about his identity and a big effort to root him out. There was excitement last week when a twitterer claimed that a naming was imminent. The revelation came in this report. Joining the dots It was quickly determined that the player hinted at in the article was a chap called Ranadeb Bose. Interestingly, Bose actually plays for King XI Punjab; but that is part of the story, as he was dropped from KKR last season and harbours a serious grudge. So as an outsider, he needed an inside source, and the article suggested it was Ganguly, at which point the article lost touch with reality. It was just as quickly decided that the case against Bose was not proven. More recently speculation was high when two KKR players, Aakash Chopra and Sanjay Bangar, were sent home with fairly lame excuses from the management. But the fake just kept on blogging.

Traumatised as I have been about the end of the NZ season, I haven’t had the will to actually check out the cricket in the IPL. I have been following the tournament however, but from the backroom so to speak.

I’m not much of a fan of 20-20. Who is really. And the IPL is too much of a circus to take seriously. But then again, it is too much of a circus to ignore. It is a garish, expensive, unselfconscious spectacle, more about the hype and humanity than the cricket. And no team better exemplifies this than the Kolkata Knight Riders. They have the movie star owner, the bizzare name, the superstar lineup (including NZ’s most exciting 20-20 batsman), the gold and the high-octane music video promo. And more lately they have had their share of drama the larger-than-life coach (John Buchanan) firing the celebrity captain (Sourav Ganguly). KKR are my favourite IPL team if only because their glare makes it hard for me to notice the others.

So I am loving this new blog Fake IPL Player. Written ostensibly by an IPL player who is not good enough to make the playing 11. His team can be described thus: “My team has a superstar captain…err sorry… ex-captain. We have a megalomaniac as our owner. Our coach comes with loads of attitude and baggage.” Yes, he’s from the KKR!

It is a fantastic read. Dispatches from the back of the stands. Detailing the drama going on in the team meetings with a bunch of superstar egos and what goes on in the clubs amongst the groupies. It’s Melrose IPLace, or something. Written with real enthusiasm and wit and studded with wickedly irreverent nicknames that require a guide to decipher.

There’s enough inside detail in the blog to believe it is in fact written by an insider. If you want to believe it really is written by a player than the clues point towards a chap called Sanjib Sanya. Other theories include a member of the KKR non-playing staff, a journalist or just a smart, well-informed fan. The more outlandish theories include any of Ganguly, Buchanan and Shah Rukh Khan himself. KKR themselves thinks the blog is “Poison pen writing of the dirtiest variety”. And that the writer is “very sick” and “perverted”. Now that’s an endorsement!

Not the IPL 2